floodgate.blog

I don’t claim this is a me-only trait.. but I often (i feel too often) find myself in situations where I feel like I am not really getting anything out of life, out of that particular situation, etc. I always seem to think ahead to what something could be as opposed to what it is or should be. It’s funny that I say this, because on a more practical non-dreaming line of thought, I am the complete opposite. I am a day-to-day kind of person when I think of things like jobs, bills, meals, etc. I worry about today, maybe tomorrow, and that’s about it. I think to things that I want to do, however, and tomorrow becomes 3 months, and the goals switch from “gee, do I want a hamburger or mac n cheese” to “i can do this… not sure how, but I know it can be done”.

I think I wrote a little while back about losing this desire as often as it appears. I also have an amazing ability to get bored with these fantastical ideas I seem to conjure up. I leave them behind, only to revisit them and have that same desire all over again.

I always want to create something that goes beyond my own personal enjoyment. For example, I did not create this blog (well, i wrote in it, but I didn’t make the website for it)… I enjoy writing, but if I knew that others were enjoying it, I’d be more inclined to make it something *more*. I, like many, am my own worst critic, and I’m SURE that plays into this. Nothing is ever good enough, because I know it can go to a next step… even if I don’t know what that step is. Another example is my music… while I have the desire to write and record my own music, I just… well… don’t. I can’t even explain this one. I have a pure desire to write, create, and when the time comes, I find that sleeping is a much better use of my time (maybe not better, but more comfortable!).

I was put in my place recently (although not unexpectedly) when I complained about not having any time to do anything. I was sitting watching TV when I said this, so right there I had to have been fabricating this JUST A BIT (if I have time for TV, what else do I have time for? If I write this blog, do I have time for something else instead?). I then thought to my last few hours of the day (which were oh so gently pointed out to me… heh… sarcasm rules) and realized that I sat at my computer… either doing nothing or playing games. I suppose if my desire was that strong, I would have quit the game and picked up my guitar.

The other side of this is that I am just tired… I’m now a father, and I work 4 jobs. Some are more stressful than others (believe it or not, the least “responsibility-needed” one is the most stressful, purely because it sits there and nags at me… i wonder why I even need that 7 hours a week… stupid gas prices!).. oh well. Maybe this is a sign that I should stop trying to be so creative and just roll one day at a time…

kind of a shitty way to live, in my opinion.

~r.d~